Memories

About every six months or so I have a bit of an emotional breakdown and the thing that sets them off is browsing through pictures.  I just start thinking about how fast time has gone, how quickly and irreversibly my babies are growing up, how much I love so many great people that I don't see near enough of or see ever.  I miss people who have passed on and try really hard to remember exactly what we did and said to each other the last time I saw them and wish I had taken pictures and videos of them.

And then that all snowballs (and quite quickly) into how I can't remember just what Ben's smile looked like when he was a baby, or the last time Amy snuggled her blankie masses, or I can't seem to recall so much of the time between pictures, how Amy acted when she was little, the last time I nursed either her or Ben, or my last real family vacation with my parents and brothers or the last... the last... the last....

And then that snowballs into how tough it must have been and still is maybe for my parents who worked so hard to raise me and all the fun things we did and just everyday life growing up stuff that went by so quickly and then I feel sorry for them and just want to run home to the farm and be 12 again riding my bike and playing make believe in the woods.  

And then that snowballs into how eventually people I love dearly might be gone forever,  orwhat if something ever happened to Jonny or my kids and then I would one day not remember what they sound like or smelled like or smiled or... or ... or....

And that snowballs into me wondering why we every leave places in the first place, or leave people and places we love and why do we meet such great people everywhere that we just need to say goodbye to and have fade a bit in our mind as time passes?

And that all results in Jonny finding me crying in bed grieving for all that has passed so quickly and grieving in advance for what is to eventually come.

It's a rough night all round.

Always the result of such nights is I feel the need to feverishly get my pictures in order and printed out so we can look at them and remember and have that concrete evidence of life lived in my hands.

We have had computers crash in the past and I don't think I have much trust in my memories being on iCloud or cyberspace or on a fallible hard drive.

So, saying all of this, I have made an almost complete family albums for us from when Amy was born till now and am very satisfied with that.

And also just so everyone I have ever met or will meet in the future know: I miss you already and love you to bits.

I am very thankful.